a bittersweet birthday post

This day has come just like every other day. It's funny that how elusive time seems on these 'special occasions', like an 18th birthday.
I've always hated my birthdays, because it's a kind of borderline you have to cross but cannot go back. It reminds me that I should get more and more responsible, and I have to admit I'm not really a grown-up material. So I woke up this morning with a bittersweet taste in my mouth

For my birthday, my family got me a real DSLR camera (!!) and a bunch of old videos of me being 3 or 4 years old. It's really weird to watch, little me having a bath, little me playing computer games with little brother and everyone has ridiculous hair and clothes.

little me

There's one particular video in which I'm crying because my brother and father made me believe that all my VCR tapes are destroyed and all we can watch from now on are football and basketball matches. Isn't it cute?


After lunch a friend of mine came over. He's had a crush on me for a long time and it was something we had both knew but none of us talked about, so this way we could be good friends. But today the doorbell rang so I opened a door and he was standing there with a bouquet of 18 red roses. I dried up completely.. Shocked and embarassed, I was searching for some words to say other than 'thank you'. And I felt terrible  down to the core that it was not a film, in which I would love him back and kiss him; the camera would zoom out after this scene, and little birds would write 'the end' on the blue sky.
But it's not a film, and sometimes you have to be the heartbreaker even though you really don't want to.

my roses

Other than that, so far i've got 2 texts, 9 private messages, 66 facebook posts and 3 phone calls of saying happy bithday, and a mysterious question about what colours are my favourite, so I'm counting on more birthday presents.

And I'm going to a concert tonight with my closest friends and gonna buy my first and last pack of cigarettes.

so I guess that's it. I'm 18 now.